Thursday, 12 August 2010

On the Merry go round again.

Well, Darquelings, I'm going to give this blog malarkey a go again. Previously, I found that when I tried to post, some random Japanese website would appear. What interest I have to the Japanese, I have no idea. As of this post, I have never dated one of their number or attempted an invasion based on my astonishing wit and repartee, so I assume I was just lucky.
  I have made the decision to actually blog about my life, as opposed to anything else. In many ways, it helps me, just as much as it, hopefully entertains. The last 7 months have been difficult and well, not at all entertaining. I have forced myself to reevaluate, re-plan and try and pull my head out of my ever shrinking backside. If I am to  be frank dear reader,  I thought more than once about ways to end the pain that has crept into my mind and soul. It all sounds very dramatic and there will be some of you out there who will immediately dismiss me as "weak" or attention seeking.
Trust me, attention is the last thing I want.
 Last year, I was a 31 year old single man, recently graduated and full of hope and confidence. I was going to "make it", whatever "making it" is.
 I had many good friends and opportunities, and was quite astonishingly, financial stable. I had my own flat and played by my own rules. Newcastle was my haven, my godsend, my one night stand, my no-strings relationship with the finest city I have ever called home. The people, the passion, the warmth and the love. The crooked gypsy at Biggs market, the drunken students sitting at monument, the random fights. The Theatre Royal, the northern pride, the safety of the pink triangle, the majesty of St James Park are all scorched on my retina as reminders of the last place I truly felt content.
 Now, I will soon be a 32 year old man who was asked by his parents to come home, and did the right, responsible thing and accepted. I live with my folks, I am no longer financially stable, because I gave up a few offers to concentrate on a show, which never came to be, under some very sordid circumstances.  The best thing to come out of that wasted few months was the amazing friends I made, each one a gem and I am very proud to know them and hope to high heaven, they get all the success Karma brings them. Karma has a lot of good fortune to return to those talented and kind people.
 I am reaping the whirlwind of an extraordinary life by literally having nothing to show for it.
 My greatest achievement this year, was the news that my first graphic novel will be released by TimeBomb comics with art by the great Katja Lindblom. I don't have a publication date yet, but still, I can lay claim to being a published author in the worlds greatest medium. My first short strip was published in Bomb Scares, a chilling anthology, once again from TimeBomb comics.
So, these are achievements, a comfort and I certainly want to write more and yes, like every other aspiring comic book writer, I would love to have a go on the Merry go-round of the big boys at Marvel and D.C. Mind you, I think Timebomb will soon be the big boy of the U.K Comic book scene.
 I am one of those people, who, sadly, and it is a destructive warped flaw, defines happiness by success and ongoing achievement. Which is irrational, and who defines achievement anyway.?
 I guess, thats up to the individual, in this case, me. I don't believe in resting on laurels, failure is just motivation to fight and try harder. I look great on paper, don't get me wrong, apparently, i'm impressive.
 Two B.A's with Hons.
An impressive Acting C.V
A varied and even accomplished work C.V
Published Author.
And by all accounts, a bit off a hunk.
 All, past success, apart from the hunk part, that seems to be recent.
 What I have just done is an example of "warped thinking". I minimized my achievements and disqualified them, because, in my mind, only present achievements count, and that way of thinking leads to mental pain and depression.
Why am i sharing that with you? Because I really don't want anyone going through what I am going through.
My name is Jonathan, and I am a warped thinker.
My happiness is defined by perceived success.
My romantic relationships are defined by the quality of the person I am with. I always punch above my weight and won't settle for second best.
I am unhappy, and until i can correct my flaws, I never will be. I could be the most amazing person, you have ever met, and i'll never know it because I can do better. You could be the most amazing person I'll ever meet, but I won't know it, because I can do better.

So, Dear reader, I have perhaps unwisely, posted all my crazy on display. The psychologists will have a field day, but thats part of the point. We live in a depression where jobs are vanishing and even Teachers struggle to find permanent employment. The arts are suffering, because whether we like to admit it or not, sometimes our business is a luxury. I am not the only one, having a bad year, or feeling mentally disturbed. I count myself lucky, I have worked in theatre and film and while I have given up touring, because of the situation at home, I don't really miss it. I am concentrating on Film and television and recently started to represent myself. Its been an eyeopener. I have far more opportunities and information coming to me directly and while I am not suitable for all of them, I know whats out there, and thats priceless.
 "Whats next?" I hear you mumble as you hope to finish reading. Well. after fighting tooth and claw to get in, I will be taking an Mlit at the University of Glasgow in Film Journalism. I do this because, I am the best actor I can be right now, (although I am thinking of taking an evening class) and I believe in my eternally arrogant way, that I can bring the prospective of somebody who has worked in front and behind the camera to the field. After all, if you're going to report on something, surely it makes sense to know the subject intimately.?
Also, I want to be working towards success again. You see, part of the flaw, I need to achieve, I need a challenge, I need to master and keep on mastering, my blasted insecurities have driven me on to become a dreaded student once again.
 I am terrified.
Its different this time. I am older, starting afresh on a new career path, while keeping the other two going at the same time. I am living at home, I am technically unemployed, I will be paying my own fees. I am not 21 any more and prefer Coffee to Alcohol.
Will I fit in?
Am I Still relevant?
What do I really have to offer?
Will this Actually lead to something.?
 Could this be the best or worst decision of my life.?
Will I get laid in my chelsea boots and would I really turn down any girls that hits on me, or will I be responsible, sober her up and kick myself for being the "nice guy".
Am i just treading water, because I refuse to admit, I may be over the hill.?

I guess I will find out.

I am not going to promise that my future blogs will be in a lighthearted tone, like my mood, they will vary. Experience, good or ill, changes you. This year has taught me hard lessons, and its not over yet. At the end of the day, we suffer. We also experience great joy and its part of being human. Its all relevant to your situation, and the definition of pain changes with your environment.  The people I really respect are soldiers, nurses, teachers and survivors, who would look at this blog and declare I have no problems in comparison, and they would be right.
 My father was a soldier for 22 years. He has C.O.P.D and stays up until 3 or 4 in the morning, coughing and wheezing and trying to kill himself faster with Cigarettes. I stay up with him, listening, on standby, in case he can't breathe. I do this by choice. I don't know if he has days, weeks, months or years.
 Its all relative.
I have an unrequited love interest, who also has an unrequited love interest. I try to find the whole situation funny,  sometimes i do, sometimes the laughter mixes with tears.
 Its all relative.

Well Folks, thats me, as off now. I mentioned before, that I have had thoughts of just bringing everything to an end.
Do you know why I don't?
Because its all relative, and I really want to know what happens next. That light at the end of the tunnel, that I can not see.? I can not see it, because I am going to light it myself.
New adventures, New challenges, longer tunnel and my own light.

Yours in Scares and Dares.


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